i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
