I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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