you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we have pet lesbian snakes
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
