Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
