I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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