I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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