I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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