Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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