She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
