She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
