Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
