Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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