was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
