Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
