Sober January is a disaster.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Actions speak louder than pants.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
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but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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