So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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