dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
