I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
