I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
