so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
