Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
