It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
