Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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