The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
