i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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