You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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