did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
