You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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