How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
