A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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