Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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