Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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