Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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