dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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