im six kinds of drunk right now
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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