I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
