I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
