Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
