i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
