My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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