a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
