I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
