so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
