I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
