It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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