After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
