Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
