Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
