I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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