my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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