is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
