His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
