If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
