feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my being single is dangerous.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
