Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
