i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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