Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
