how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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